Tuesday, November 20, 2007

"I'm a lawyer, not your fairy godmother."

A number of sites have this up already, but I read it a while ago, and it sums up a lot of what I deal with at work representing indigent clients.
First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.

As they say, read the whole thing.

The brownest of the brown-food holidays.


Thanksgiving is almost here, so it's important for the thousands of workers here at Tannerball to make certain all (two) of our readers have some idea what the holiday is about, and why it is the best four-day weekend of the year.

Way back when, settlers were having a hard time of things over here in the new world. Turns out the first Thanksgiving feast was in Virginia, despite what they teach us in school. Those settlers had a big old feast to celebrate the end of the harvest, and everyone was happy because, unlike Christmas, they didn't have to give the drunk uncle any presents.

Now, this tradition continued for some time, and George Washington recommended that the fourth Thursday in November be a day of national Thanksgiving. However, it wasn't until Abe Lincoln was president that Thanksgiving became a national holiday. Good for him, I say, because nothing says "America!" like Thanksgiving. Except maybe for July 4th. Or SuperBowl Sunday. Whatever. Neither of those are 4-day weekends, complete with Turkey and Gravy.

Thanksgiving has been a favorite of we folks here at Tannerball for a long time, and for good reason. First, you get to eat and drink however much you want--and cooking up a giant bird is fun, whether the Tannermom thinks so or not. So is drinking before noon. Second, you don't have to buy anybody any presents, other than more food or drink. Third, there's good football to watch. Fourth, you get a day off to collect yourself before the Georgia/Georgia Tech game. Fifth, the Saturday after Thanksgiving has great college football, and you can again eat and drink as much as you like (see the Tannerball videos from last year). Sixth, you can spend all Sunday watching more football and recovering from the punishment you gave yourself.

Now, there are those of you out there who think it's a good idea to go shopping at Wal-Mart or some mall on Friday. I think you're crazy -- you've got plenty of time for that before Christmas. Why go to the mall at 5 AM to race a bunch of crazed lunatic shoppers wearing Christmas sweaters? It's not even December yet, you maniacs!

My advice is this -- remember what Thanksgiving is about. It's about being thankful for the bounty that we enjoy here, and remembering those less fortunate than we. And gravy. Actually, it's all about the gravy. Screw that other sentimental crap.

UPDATE: If you're travelling for Thanksgiving, watch this.

If you do this,


I don't blame your dog when he bites you.

Omnitrois



Remember, all caps means you're shouting.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Monkeys-stealing your crap.


Thievin' little bastards.
"Monkeys are wreaking havoc in my constituency by taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators," Hiren Das told Assam state's assembly.

He said the primates were "even slapping women who try to chase them".

Saturday, November 17, 2007

TIMEWASTER!

Cool game/geography quiz. It's a bit hard what with the tiny map and all.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Santa is actually a misogynist, didn't you know?

All for saying Ho Ho Ho. Catch the decline of reasoned thought, on your six o'clock news.

We got us a wild place here.

Little old Charlottesville, and mulitple shootings in a week!

One is a truly tragic case, and I hope those two bastards get what's coming to them.

Another is a typical night club shooting, where the dude gets shot in the thigh and isn't hurt all that badly.

And this one, nobody knows nuthin'.

WTF?

Friday, November 09, 2007

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Tannerball's required reading level

Is "Genius"! So there. I knew somebody thought I was smart. (See the ad in the sidebar).

Friday, November 02, 2007

Fortune cookie

My boy got this one last night: "There is always a higher mountain to climb."

While I agree mostly with the sentiment, it seems to me to be incomplete. It should read as follows:
There is always a higher mountain to climb. Unless the mountain is Everest. Then you're fucked.