Monday, December 31, 2007

Tannerball's 10 predictions for 2008

1. I will drink bourbon, and enjoy it greatly.

2. I will be hungover on January 1, 2008.

3. Hillary Clinton's eyeballs will pop out of her head at some point, and she will blame it on the "vast right-wing conspiracy" [i.e. anyone that asks her a question she doesn't like] that hounds her all the time.

4. We will all reduce our carbon footprint, whether necessary or not, because (a) technology will help us do so, and (b) it's for TEH CHILDREN!

5. At some point, someone running for president will get elected, and will eventually do a crappy job of it.

6. Roving bands of crazed monkeys will take over a city in India or Bangledesh.

7. Something big somewhere will blow up and kill people.

8. By election day, 2008, most all of us will be so sick of politicians that we either won't vote or we'll write in "Crazy Monkey" for President.

9. Some poor movie star will get a divorce and/or adopt an African child.

10. That the following will be true all year, thereby solidifying Dean Martin's place in history: “I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.”

If you've got predictions, lay 'em on me. 2008 has got to be better than 2007, even if only for a minute.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Boxing day.

Not what you think. It's all about the rich folks giving the poor folks a day off and giving out some gifts in boxes.

Not about Tyson whoopin' on somebody. Have a good one. I bought an amp. Now my neighbors will likely call the cops on me. Excellent.

Friday, December 21, 2007

I laughed I cried it was better than Cats...

Walmartopia! The musical Broadway incarnation of rich urbanites making fun of we rubes in Jesusland! Hilarious, and thought-provoking!
Walmartopia begins with Vicki Latrell, a present day single mom, working at Wal-Mart with her sassy teenage daughter, waiting on that ever-elusive promotion. Whether Vicki fails to climb the management ladder as a result of Wal-Mart’s patriarchal power structure, or because whenever her manager leaves the sales floor she stops working to belt out songs Aretha Franklin-style while her chronically tardy teenage daughter idly complains their boss is a “creepy Christian crypto-fascist,” isn’t clear. After she is denied again during an employee evaluation meeting held at Hooters, however, it becomes a moot point as an angry Vicki catches the radical bug from a philosopher janitor. “He’s hot,” Vicki’s daughter gushes approvingly, “like…Che Guevara!”
Too good to miss at $60.00 a throw. Get thee to the theater for some proper learning! WalMart is bad and dehumanizing, and if you don't believe that, well, you're a "crypto-fascist!" Thank God for such creativity and social conscience--with references to Che!!

NYT review.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

The proper role of the federal government

Defense, roads, and leave me the hell alone. Anything else anybody can think of?

Ah, Baseball -- what the hell happened?

So it turns out that steroid use in baseball is rampant. As if we didn't know that already --
"Concerning BALCO and Major League Baseball I requested interviews of all the major league players who had been publicly implicated in the BALCO case: Marvin Benard; Barry Bonds; Bobby Estalella; Jason Giambi; Jeremy Giambi; Armando Rios; Benito Santiago; Gary Sheffield; and Randy Velarde. Jason Giambi agreed to be interviewed, and Randy Velarde provided information through his attorney. All the other players implicated in the BALCO case refused my requests to be interviewed or did not respond to them. Gary Sheffield initially declined my request for an interview. Sheffield later said that he would agree to an interview, subject to the availability of his lawyer who was undergoing medical treatments."

Clemens, Miguel Tejada and Pettitte were named in the report, an All-Star roster linked to steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs that put a question mark -- if not an asterisk -- next to some of baseball's biggest moments.

Eric Gagne, Troy Glaus, Gary Matthews Jr., Brian Roberts, Paul Lo Duca, Rick Ankiel and Jay Gibbons were among other current players named in the report. Some were linked to Human Growth Hormone, others to steroids. Also mentioned in the report is Tejada, who was dealt from Baltimore to Houston Wednesday.

"We identify some of the players who were caught up in this drive to gain a competitive advantage,'' the report said. "Other investigations will no doubt turn up more names and fill in more details, but that is unlikely to significantly alter the description of baseball's 'steroids era' as set forth in this report.''

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Offended muslims have much-needed support

"I have always been offended by rubber ducks," says Mahmud Said of Portland, Oregon. "For a long time I felt stigmatized and inadequate, until one day I decided to write about it on an Internet forum. I received hundreds of heart-felt emails - from Morocco to Indonesia. It turns out that thousands of Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 35 have had traumatic experiences with rubber ducks.
"We started a support group that has grown to 10,000 members. Not only do we share horrifying rubber duck stories, we also try to increase public awareness by sabotaging the world supply of rubber ducks, setting fire to factories, abducting rubber duck distributors, and intimidating retailers. These are building blocks for our healthy future. With Allah as my witness, our public awareness campaign will soon result in a completely rubber-duck-free world."

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Momma knows better than you . . . part 2.

Jesus. VFW post raided in Dallas for illegal gambling. The freakin' VFW!

Virginia law is says this:
"Illegal gambling" means the making, placing or receipt, of any bet or wager in this Commonwealth of money or other thing of value, made in exchange for a chance to win a prize, stake or other consideration or thing of value, dependent upon the result of any game, contest or any other event the outcome of which is uncertain or a matter of chance, whether such game, contest or event, occurs or is to occur inside or outside the limits of this Commonwealth.
There is, however, an exception for a game at a private residence, as long as the private residence isn't ordinarily used for that purpose. Ain't the law grand?

Oh yeah -- Bingo and duck racing (!?!) are legal when you get a proper permit.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Momma knows better than you . . .

In NC, you can lose your driver's license for giving alcohol to your own under-21 children, even if they don't drive anywhere or get in a car. As should be expected, this is just fine with Mothers Against Drunk Driving, which is no longer an anti-drunk driving organization, but a temperance movement.

On a related noted, "repeal day" is tomorrow, December 5. 74 years ago tomorrow, prohibition was repealed in the US. You can look it up.